On July 23rd, 2021, I checked my spam folder, revealing maybe the best email I have ever received.
From: Yudelkys Crow
Subject: Re: Beauticious occupation is immediately unfolded
Good day,
The novel function of Wrapping Supervisor for our package concern was unblocked. Our company offers a powerful payment ‘n’ educative batch to make you as a worker of our company’s enhancing & enormously valuable association.
We unsheathed UR contact channels through the CareerBuilder online locality and think over that thine craftsmanship must be potentially of value for the association. When you are in awe about our company’s location, would you be so kind to write an e-mail to us so our HR leaders would be able to reveal U better function’s description.
Wage: $4,000 per month.
Submitted suggestion for personnel who are able to work from dwelling.
If ya’ll may afford to materially stay inside of thy dwelling starting from nine AM to 5 PM, thou might rise some buck. The center of our fellowship’s offer is to proceed with shipments. Things that will be your straight duties: accept bales out of some addresser, put them into another package following our partnership’s directions, & to forward batches to else woman. Thou will be a perfective match at adverted post if ye are a youthful mommy, a learner of distant method of training, pensioner, disabled persona, or the character who repulsed about the fact of the need to leaving apartment to perform job.
Ye will not be forced to treat with ponderous packages. Generally, you would retrieve clothing or bauble within boxes. Academic course is presented without payment.
Everything you all demand to possess work from our biz is a tablet, entrance to the online space, and printer to be able to print delivery notes. How much ye will earn relies upon exceptionally on ye - the more time ye run, the more you all earn. On average, people which only begin functioning for our concern receive approximately 1000 bucks per week. Are thou stirred up by named function? Then feel free to contact our firm via electronic mail. But keep in mind that being at apartment from nine o’clock to 5 PM is an obligatory thing to be able to be employed to this stance (in another case, the mentioned position isn’t for thou, unluckily).
r
So like, obviously a scam, belongs in my spam folder, but at the same time, so charming.
Beauticious occupation
a powerful payment ‘n’ educative batch
thou might rise some buck
if ye are a youthful mommy
Why are these written like someone just taught Captain Ahab a bunch of modern slang? I couldn’t read through it the first time without busting up and it’s still so funny to me to this day. But the best part was that my spam folder was FULL of these:
Good afternoon,
The modern non-office position of Bundle Warden of ours delivery association has just been opened. Our biz offers a glorious pay cheque and educational package to make you as a team member of our business’ improving and highly active crew.
We unveiled your info via the CareerBuilder online space and count for that yours skills would be essential for the biz. If ye are shiver about our management’s work, do not hesitate to compose an e-mail to our partnership so our team’s personnel administrators could be able to recount y’all better job details.
Remuneration: USD 4,000 per month.
Presented post is only for men that show their interest to operate from apartment.
If thou could corporally work at yours building starting from nine AM ending with five PM, thou could gain cash. The substance of our team’s stance is to work with boxes. Things that will be included into thine core job: have parcels our of a one sender, put them into another package following our biz’s regulations, ‘n’ to send bundles to further places. Ye has to be an unimprovable option for adverted non-office position if ye are a young mamma, a pupil of distant way of schooling, ex-service, unable to work a full day outdoors persona, or the person who reluctant to come out of the building to make affairs.
…
Hail,
A another location of Parcel Administrator of ours procurement association has just been started. We offer a very high money gratification ‘n’ academic enrollment to set ya as a teammate of our company’s enhancing ‘n’ intensely showing the result biz.
We unsheathed UR information on the CareerBuilder website and appreciate that thy skills might be precious for the business. If only thou are stirred up by our firm’s offer, please, e-mail our biz so our biz’s Human Resource stewards might be of power to show to you refined job description.
Pay cheque: four thousand dollars per 4 weeks.
The given non-office position is for laborers that show their interest to proceed from dwelling. If U would naturally be in thy apartment from nine AM to five PM, thou may pull up dough. The core of our comradeship’s position is to manage with shipments. What shall be included into your direct job: take bundles out of some broadcaster, repack them following our camaraderie’s brief, ‘n’ to send packs to new allottee. Ye has to be a flawless match at described post if you are a young mamma, a learner of distant direction of studying, pensioner, unable to work normally outdoors woman, or the man which distaste to make departure dwelling for work.
Y’all shall not be forced to treat with elephantine…
Hello,
A fresh job for Package Administrator for ours supplying business was established. Our team offers a very comfortable wage ‘n’ educative bundle to get you as a participant of our camaraderie’s evolving & highly powerful company.
We unearthed thine contact channels inside of the CareerBuilder site & ponder that thine mastery should be essential for the fellowship. If you’re interested in our partnership’s suggestion, would you be so kind to write an e-mail to our partnership so our team’s Human Resource wardens might be of power to tell ya’ll superior job description.
Cheque: $4,000 per 4 weeks.
This offer is given to personnel that can work from apartment. If you may afford to naturally be present inside of thine home starting from nine AM ending with 5 PM, ya’ll would pull up currency. The point of our firm’s offer is to proceed with lots…
Unfortunately that’s all I screenshotted at the time, the rest have since been automatically deleted. But I wanted to write them up here to preserve them for posterity.
So what’s up with these? It seems like somebody found my email on CareerBuilder and wanted me to participate in some sort of money laundering scheme where you repackage stuff and send it along so it can’t be traced. I wonder what they were shipping? Like were they just trying to get around tariffs, or was this like, drugs or weapons? I didn’t respond to any of these so I guess I’ll never know.
But on top of the core scam, it seems like they had an original script for the email that they fed through some sort of thesaurus-ifying algorithm to make it less obvious that these all come from the same person. I’m not sure who that was supposed to fool because it’s super obvious that they all say the same thing even though the words themselves are different. Like, I guess it’s to try and bypass the spam filter by varying the content, but that CLEARLY didn’t work.
My current hypothesis is that the original seed email is written in a language other than English and it was translated here in varying ways. That would explain why some of the translations aren’t total synonyms for each other: the underlying pre-translated word has multiple meanings that are translated into English slightly differently. The other reason I think that the original language wasn’t English is because someone with just like basic conversational English proficiency would be able to tell immediately that nobody on earth has ever written like this.
I really, really want to know what was going on here because the resulting authorial voice is incredible. The combination of “ye” and “thy” with “‘n’” and “biz” is very fun. The variety of slang terms for “making money” in particular seems to have given the algorithm a lot of material to play with. I think the resulting turns of phrase really hold up and I invite you to join me in using them on a daily basis:
rise some buck
gain cash
pull up dough
pull up currency
I love “rise some buck” in particular for the use of the singular “buck” as a mass noun.
On the other hand, there aren’t really synonyms for words like “and” which leads to “‘n’” occurring super frequently - there’s a like 50/50 chance it picks either word. It also doesn’t seem to be able to differentiate between the singular and plural versions of “you”, it uses “ye”, “thou”, and “ya’ll” interchangeably.
Tessa really wants me to run these through word2vec so check how statistically similar they are but I don’t feel like relearning how to set up a python environment right now. Maybe I’ll get around to it eventually, but I’m worried I don’t have enough data anymore to figure out anything interesting. For now, I’m content to figuratively hang these emails up on my figurative fridge.